Just a feeling
by Shamichi
Summary: After months since the abrupt breakup, Sakuragi reflects on his relationship with Rukawa and why it ended the way it did. A sequel to 'Insignificant' pointing towards Sakuragi's perspective.


Five minutes past midnight and a certain redhead can be found intensely dribbling basketball at a nearby court. It has become a common routine for Sakuragi, especially on a night such this where his thoughts are the most troubled. He hates to admit it but maybe his gang was right about him being in denial about his problems. It's been a week now that he's been missing classes and sometimes he doesn't show up for basketball practice which is completely unlike him. Even Miyagi acknowledge his out of sync character. He had been passing up dinner plans and casual hangouts more than he can count and it's evident that his friends were not too pleased about his absence. Honestly, he's just trying to avoid the endless questions they will pester him if they ever get the chance to sit him down. It's easier to just shrug it off and make up some unrelated excuse than to explain his complex psychological condition.

For someone as stubborn as Sakuragi, it is difficult to recognize and accept his burdens, especially one that is so romantically conflicting. Out of all the things he could be thinking about, it just had to be something so embarrassing. He doesn't understand it either though, it's been solid 5 months since everything happened; surely he is not still stuck on something so far in the past. It's a waste of time, he knows that, but then why is it so hard to let go?

Sakuragi grunts exasperatedly under his breath.

The fact that Rukawa is the reason that he acts this way makes him feel almost vulnerable, nervous, and angry all at the same time. To have your heart broken by someone you consider a rival for so long is something the redhead can never anticipate, ever. It's funny, who knew that his first relationship would be with the cold Kitsune anyway? Even if it was for a year, there is no denying that Rukawa had been his actual romantic connection amongst the sea of pitiful rejections from the opposite sex.

Everything Rukawa was gradually changed into something more than just childish rivalry. Rivals become friends and friends eventually become lovers. He would have mocked and laughed at the idea years ago, but now it is anything but funny. Everything Sakuragi wished Haruko would be, Rukawa eventually become. Of course, it was not easy at first but before he realized it, he finds himself acknowledging feelings for Rukawa he never thought he'd have.

It wasn't a quick process neither was it a simple one. It wasn't a matter of who confessed first, or who showed interest first, feelings are not like basketball; it's not a game of control and conquer. Neither was it like fighting because if it was, then that would have been too simple. On the contrary, it required emotional understanding, one that the both of them clearly lack. In the first place, feelings and romance is not one of Sakuragi's strong suit. Sure, he had asked pretty much all the girls he ever liked, but none of them ever accepted him romantically.

Sakuragi remembers Rukawa's words clearly, like a broken record player, constantly on repeat. It haunts him no matter how much he tried burying it away and forgetting about it. Rukawa's words have the ability to render the redhead completely vulnerable to the point that sometimes he wonders just how much Rukawa really mattered to him. In a state such as this, every waking moment makes Sakuragi feel almost trapped in a cyclic, relentless nightmare. One not even Youhei could save him from.

"_Don't take it personally ahou..."_

Honestly, Sakuragi doesn't even understand the meaning to those words. How is it possible for someone who claims to love you suddenly having the right to tell you not to take a break up personally? Was it all a joke? All that trouble trying to even come into terms with his feelings and he suddenly shouldn't take it personally? "What? I don't have the right to feel now? I'm human too Rukawa you stupid Kitsune!" growled the redhead.

He sighed as he takes the ball into his arm. "Humph, I don't need this." thought the redhead as he starts to slowly dribble the ball. "This is not good. If this keeps up people will think I'm a coward." thought Sakuragi. "Sakuragi Hanamichi is far from a coward!"

But then again, Rukawa's words left a profound effect on him. It lingered in his sub conscious like a nightmare he couldn't shake.

"_Let's break up…"_

No matter who it is, it hurts to know that he is able to just spit out 'break up' as if he wanted to return a faulty item.

Rukawa was unusually cold that day, his voice left no trail of guilt or remorse as he said it. It's not unusual for someone so personal like him to be so blatant, but the way he said it felt as if it was something he wanted to do for a long time. As if he had mustered all that courage to finally break the connection off. The more Sakuragi thought about it, the angrier he feels. The more Sakuragi contemplated on the thought, the more he wished he could hurt Rukawa the way he had hurt him. There is nothing more satisfactory than making someone choke on their own words, to make them understand the way you felt when they hurt you. But part of him would feel guilty. No matter how vengeful he feels towards Rukawa, now it seems he had lost the ability to feel spiteful towards Rukawa for too long. It's a gradual change that happened during the progression of their relationship.

Was he scared? Scared of abandonment? That couldn't be it.

Sakuragi clenched his knuckles tightly. "Rukawa!" he hissed, thinking about the blue eyed boy.

"I'm not afraid!" Sakuragi shouts mentally as he instantly runs towards the basket in a quick as lightning speed, his feet starts to leave the ground, jumping high and violently dunking the orange orb into the basket. "I'm not afraid of you Rukawa!" Panting tiredly, he wipes the sweat trickling down his chin.

Sakuragi considers fear to be a weak trait. He had always been someone who charges head on, confronting tough situations rather than running away from it. Because of his impetuous personality, there is nothing that Sakuragi is more familiar with than reacting recklessly. His brashness allows him the advantage to make him seem almost fearless. Sure, he is exactly what he represents himself to be, but there are also sides to him only few people realize. Underneath the brash exterior is a naïve, innocent, genuine guy, a guy who wants nothing more than to be accepted for who he is. For a while, Rukawa seemed like he could give him that. But now, it's evident that he was just mocking him.

"_I don't feel the same way anymore." _

Sakuragi press his palm against his chest, feeling attentively for his heartbeat. His heart seems to be beating more unusually now, it seems to beat at a faster pace. Sakuragi is not foreign to this feeling though, he recognized it right away. It feels like heartache. It's a bittersweet emotion where he feels unusually sad but accepting at the same time. Perhaps in some ways he accepts the idea of rejection because he is all too familiar with it. Ever since middle school, his feelings were never reciprocated the same by any of his infatuation's. Haruko was no different. After mustering enough courage to confess to her, she politely decline to his proposal saying that she rather have him as her best friend.

"Is this how being in love feels like? Feeling completely lost when they leave you?" thought Sakuragi, clenching his t-shirt.

Just like that. After all that effort trying so hard to come into terms with his feelings, accepting the person, he decides to just easily end it.

Sitting on the wooden bench with the ball neatly on his lap, Sakuragi let out a weighty sigh. "I don't want to think about that guy anymore…" he confessed mentally, "It hurts." His mind drifted back to a blissful time where his relationship with Rukawa wasn't always bitter. There were times where they share moments that weren't just filled with pointless insults, name calling and sheer rivalry. Granted, their relationship is complex and for it to progress the way it did was unexpectedly sudden. One might think that it is almost impossible that they would stop their inane rivalry but to find out that they had a romantically affiliated relationship is absolutely astounding.

Over the years, Sakuragi became acquainted with the antisocial Shohoku ace and gradually witnessed a side to Rukawa that was usually hidden from the public. As for falling in love with Rukawa, it's one giant blur. Sakuragi couldn't remember exactly how it happened, there were moments here and there but he remembered blue eyes penetrating his soul, always glancing at him when he least expected. Part of him regret that he didn't meet Rukawa for the last time, but part of him feels glad that he didn't.

What is there to say anyway?

Rubbing his now misty eyes, he sat on the bench momentarily still with a crestfallen expression. The cool midnight breeze tickled his skin, the air so still and quiet making it difficult for the redhead to not fall into a deep contemplative state. Sakuragi shakes his head, trying to shake off his thoughts from his head.

"Just you watch Rukawa, I'll erase everything!" he mumbled determinedly under his breath. Grabbing his towel beside him and stuffing it inside his bag. Sakuragi stood up immediately, adjusting the strap of his bag comfortably on his shoulders as he scans his surroundings one last time. He stood there momentarily as he revels in the freshness of the midnight air.Burying his hands in his pockets, he walks to the exit in a composed and steady pace.


End file.
